So I marked on my calendar the premiere of the new Netflix series "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" and started binge watching it when it came out yesterday. It's about a girl who is rescued from an underground bunker after being hidden away there for 15 years thinking the apocalypse was going to happen. It's hilariously funny (and these days I need to laugh out loud), but more importantly, I'm starting to draw a lot of parallels between Kimmy's life and my life.
1. We both have had everything we know taken from us and are having to adjust to a whole new world.
2. We both have a past we're trying to learn from, yet don't want to tell everyone everything for fear of overwhelming them.
3. We both have taken on new lives with pluck and a sense of adventure, only to be knocked down over and over again.
So Kimmy has this thing she says: "You can make it through anything for 10 seconds." Lately, in Costa Rica, I've felt like I can't make it. But now, I'm telling myself "I can make it for the next 10 seconds." Then I tell myself "I can make it through the next ten seconds." I just have to believe it.
I am here for a reason. I think it's to work on myself. Take away everything I know, everything that's familiar, strip me to my core, and I kind of have to. No family. No long-term friends. No boyfriend. No car. I am left with myself, my own self-destructive thoughts and patterns, and I am forced to examine closely why I do the things I do and I behave the way I do.
I have to "radically accept" the fact I am here. I have made a two year commitment, and as much as I want to run away from it and go back home at times (okay, a lot of the time), I need to realize that -in the grand scheme of things-- two years really isn't that long. I think it seems so daunting to me because, in my adult life, I've never stayed anywhere or done anything consistently for two years.
Proof:
2006: Graduated from law school and moved back to Tulsa. Home #1 (Gillette). Job #1 (DHS).
2007: Home #2 (Liberty Tower). New city (OKC). Home #3 (fourplex). Job #2 (ADA)
2008: New City (Claremore). Home #4. Job #3 (Envision).
2009: New city (Austin). Home #5 (sublet). Home #6 (Speedway). Job #4 (CCI). Relationship #1.
2010: Relationship #1 ends. Home #7 (West). Job #5 (DES).
2011: New city (OKC). Home #8 (Edmond). Job #6 (HH).
2012: Job #7 (ESF). Return to Austin. Home #9 (Establishment). Job #8 (BBE).
2013: Relationship #2. Job #9 (MMS). Home #10 (Dessau).
2014: Relationship #2 ends. New country (Costa Rica). Job #10 (Lincoln). Home #11 (Apt. 11). Home #12 (Apt. 4).
2015: NOW
Ten jobs, two relationships, and twelve homes in the past nine years. I NEED some stability and consistency in my life. Clearly, I have a pattern of running when things get difficult. Maybe that's why I am here, with this two year commitment. Because I can't. Because I have to learn to work through things instead of running away.
Ten seconds. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10...
And repeat...
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Proof
1. It takes a strong person to move abroad.
2. I am not strong.
3. Therefore, I should not be living abroad.
2. I am not strong.
3. Therefore, I should not be living abroad.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Two Realizations
1. I have to be happy by myself/ with myself before I can be happy with someone else.
2. I have to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.
As much as I'm happy for my gorgeous married friends and their beautiful babies, I know I'm more than a bit jealous too. Wasn't I supposed to have all of that by now? I'm smart. (Everyday.) I'm pretty. (Most days.) So what gives? In my heart of hearts though, I know that, if I were dropped in their shoes tomorrow, I'd have no idea what to do. You mean I'm no longer the center of my own Universe? That I HAVE to take care of someone else? That some small little amazing someone depends on me to meet their every basic need? Guess I can't just move to a foreign country on a whim. Guess there are other people in this equation.
The Universe has a plan for me, as silly and convoluted as it may seem to me now. Like nothing is working out the way it's "supposed" to and that I'm behind on whatever I'm "scheduled" to be accomplishing at this age. But maybe this delay is happening for a reason. Perhaps so, when I finally do find love, I will appreciate it that much more because I have been waiting for it that much longer.
One day, I'll finally be able to say: "The wait is over now."
xo,
tes
2. I have to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.
As much as I'm happy for my gorgeous married friends and their beautiful babies, I know I'm more than a bit jealous too. Wasn't I supposed to have all of that by now? I'm smart. (Everyday.) I'm pretty. (Most days.) So what gives? In my heart of hearts though, I know that, if I were dropped in their shoes tomorrow, I'd have no idea what to do. You mean I'm no longer the center of my own Universe? That I HAVE to take care of someone else? That some small little amazing someone depends on me to meet their every basic need? Guess I can't just move to a foreign country on a whim. Guess there are other people in this equation.
The Universe has a plan for me, as silly and convoluted as it may seem to me now. Like nothing is working out the way it's "supposed" to and that I'm behind on whatever I'm "scheduled" to be accomplishing at this age. But maybe this delay is happening for a reason. Perhaps so, when I finally do find love, I will appreciate it that much more because I have been waiting for it that much longer.
One day, I'll finally be able to say: "The wait is over now."
xo,
tes
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Shock to the System
I've finally figured out a way to wrap my head around my time here: This is my shock to the system. This is my test. This is seeing how little I can survive on. Take away everything I know, everything familiar and comforting and let's see how I do:
* Love your car? Gone. Get used to walking and taking cabs.
* Know your way around? No longer.
* Have a cute apartment filled with stuff you love? Forget it. It's all sold, donated, or in storage now.
* In a relationship with a guy who wants to marry you? Done.
* Friends and family nearby? Forget about it.
I've never considered myself a strong person because I'm so sensitive. People think I'm strong for coming here, but I don't see it. Maybe what this, my being here, is all about is finally realizing that this pipe dream I've held on to for so long of "moving abroad, teaching abroad, becoming fully bilingual, and having a bilingual family" (my party line for so long) isn't what I want (or am even capable of) after all. Maybe it's out of my reach because I am weak and find myself craving the comfort of the familiar. Or maybe it's too soon to tell.
So, for now, I will take comfort in:
* Working for a school I love (for almost the first time ever)
* Living daily life in my second language (for the first time ever since a semester in 2000)
* Walking down the street and ignoring honks and cat calls
* Spending evenings alone and knowing it's not the end of the world
* Making my own friends when the ones I was "handed" didn't work out
Small victories. But victories nonetheless.
Nothing is forever. Especially my time here. And Austin will be there when I get back, just as hipster as before and even more so. I can find a cute place again. I can find bearded guys to date again. I can recreate the life I once had and make it even better. And when I do, I'll be able to do so with a more solid understanding of just who I am and what I'm capable of.
xo,
t
* Love your car? Gone. Get used to walking and taking cabs.
* Know your way around? No longer.
* Have a cute apartment filled with stuff you love? Forget it. It's all sold, donated, or in storage now.
* In a relationship with a guy who wants to marry you? Done.
* Friends and family nearby? Forget about it.
I've never considered myself a strong person because I'm so sensitive. People think I'm strong for coming here, but I don't see it. Maybe what this, my being here, is all about is finally realizing that this pipe dream I've held on to for so long of "moving abroad, teaching abroad, becoming fully bilingual, and having a bilingual family" (my party line for so long) isn't what I want (or am even capable of) after all. Maybe it's out of my reach because I am weak and find myself craving the comfort of the familiar. Or maybe it's too soon to tell.
So, for now, I will take comfort in:
* Working for a school I love (for almost the first time ever)
* Living daily life in my second language (for the first time ever since a semester in 2000)
* Walking down the street and ignoring honks and cat calls
* Spending evenings alone and knowing it's not the end of the world
* Making my own friends when the ones I was "handed" didn't work out
Small victories. But victories nonetheless.
Nothing is forever. Especially my time here. And Austin will be there when I get back, just as hipster as before and even more so. I can find a cute place again. I can find bearded guys to date again. I can recreate the life I once had and make it even better. And when I do, I'll be able to do so with a more solid understanding of just who I am and what I'm capable of.
xo,
t
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Boredom and Rabbit Holes
I had been feeling particularly zen since I went to the States last month and came back a few weeks ago. Until now. Will write more about my trip home (what is home?) later, but for now my focus is how I'm feeling now. I need to write it out.
I am NOT good and being bored and having nothing to do. I had to come back to CR a few weeks ago because I'm doing my master's and I had classes for two weeks. But now I have this random week off before the kids come back to school and I am going batty. I went on the spur-of-the-moment beach trip with a friend, but the hippie dippie hostel where we stayed made that more stressful than relaxing. The beach town was not even town. I kid you not, there were a handful of hostels, a few restaurants, and two grocery stores. And to get to the nearest grocery you had to walk 40 minutes. Most of it on the highway. I will post my review of the hostel below, just because I feel like it's well-written and also somewhat entertaining. But the problem at the hostel was the same: Nothing to do. People were content just sitting around. And I know that the fact I can't sit still and need to be busy is indicative of a larger problem. I know I need to learn to just BE. But for now, I am restless.
I could not get out of that damn hostel fast enough. I would rather be bored with the comforts of my own bed, privacy, hot showers, and freedom from hippie one-upping. But today has been brutal. I know I should just read a book or watch a movie. But I keep thinking about where everyone else is in life at my age. My best friend in Austin is married and just had her SECOND child last week. Other friends have been in relationships for years and years. I know that I'm doing cool things here that they are not, but it still stings when you sucked into that thought pattern. I know I need to change it. I need a mantra or something. My therapist brought up a really good point. She told me to think of my time in CR as "me time" and "time to recharge" and to not worry about dating and meeting my future hubby and all of that. It worked for a few weeks, but yesterday I hit the wall again.
Facebook can be so evil sometimes. It takes you down rabbit holes in your past, which then leads you to another rabbit hole, etc. Today, I "liked" a post by a mutual friend of my ex. Then I saw that she is still friends with his brother. So then I went to his brother's page and he had just posted a music video he had shot of my ex and his wife. Of course, I watched the whole thing and got sucked in to thinking about the past. Did I make a mistake by breaking up with him? If I had never broken up with him, he would never have been in this band with his (now) wife. Or, would they have been in a band together, but just never been a couple? Would he have proposed? Would I have become the ultimate hipster? Would I have been happy? I always say that, thus far, my two biggest regrets in life are: 1) not quitting law school, and 2) breaking up with this guy. But I have to remember this:
Thankfully, No Facebook February is coming up. It could not have come at better time. Wish me luck with my endless quest to focus on the present.
xo,
t
I am NOT good and being bored and having nothing to do. I had to come back to CR a few weeks ago because I'm doing my master's and I had classes for two weeks. But now I have this random week off before the kids come back to school and I am going batty. I went on the spur-of-the-moment beach trip with a friend, but the hippie dippie hostel where we stayed made that more stressful than relaxing. The beach town was not even town. I kid you not, there were a handful of hostels, a few restaurants, and two grocery stores. And to get to the nearest grocery you had to walk 40 minutes. Most of it on the highway. I will post my review of the hostel below, just because I feel like it's well-written and also somewhat entertaining. But the problem at the hostel was the same: Nothing to do. People were content just sitting around. And I know that the fact I can't sit still and need to be busy is indicative of a larger problem. I know I need to learn to just BE. But for now, I am restless.
I could not get out of that damn hostel fast enough. I would rather be bored with the comforts of my own bed, privacy, hot showers, and freedom from hippie one-upping. But today has been brutal. I know I should just read a book or watch a movie. But I keep thinking about where everyone else is in life at my age. My best friend in Austin is married and just had her SECOND child last week. Other friends have been in relationships for years and years. I know that I'm doing cool things here that they are not, but it still stings when you sucked into that thought pattern. I know I need to change it. I need a mantra or something. My therapist brought up a really good point. She told me to think of my time in CR as "me time" and "time to recharge" and to not worry about dating and meeting my future hubby and all of that. It worked for a few weeks, but yesterday I hit the wall again.
Facebook can be so evil sometimes. It takes you down rabbit holes in your past, which then leads you to another rabbit hole, etc. Today, I "liked" a post by a mutual friend of my ex. Then I saw that she is still friends with his brother. So then I went to his brother's page and he had just posted a music video he had shot of my ex and his wife. Of course, I watched the whole thing and got sucked in to thinking about the past. Did I make a mistake by breaking up with him? If I had never broken up with him, he would never have been in this band with his (now) wife. Or, would they have been in a band together, but just never been a couple? Would he have proposed? Would I have become the ultimate hipster? Would I have been happy? I always say that, thus far, my two biggest regrets in life are: 1) not quitting law school, and 2) breaking up with this guy. But I have to remember this:
Thankfully, No Facebook February is coming up. It could not have come at better time. Wish me luck with my endless quest to focus on the present.
xo,
t
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