... better put 'em in quotations. - John Mayer, "Say"
I am who I am. People are who they are. I can't make someone like me. I can go out on two amazing dates with a guy and have him disappear and be okay. It's not the end of the world. My life will go on. It's better to find out now this guy is a d-bag then some time down the line when I find out I'm the girl on the side or -worse-- he's married.
So I'm practicing this new emotional management technique called "ABC." It looks at the actions that occur in my life and whether my beliefs about myself in response to them are rational or irrational. Then, as a result, we look at the consequences of those beliefs.
A (Activating Event)
B (Belief)
C (Consequence)
This morning, I got to test it out...
A= Girl who I've been having issues with all semester is having breakfast with four other teachers (myself included). We're talking about who should be on the social committee. She chimes in "Well, I already am... since I'm the 'Queen Bee.'" This comment was clearly aimed at me, since she told me she felt like I was painting her in the role of the Queen Bee/ Mean Girl at the beginning of the year.
B= I knew she wanted to bait. And I wanted to. I wanted to say something like "Really, again? I thought that we had moved on" or "I never called you that." But instead, I didn't. I just ignored her. Why? Because it was belief at that time that engaging her on that topic would cause me more grief that reward. So I looked away, switched the subject, and moved on.
C= The consequence is that I'm having a good day. I am by myself while they are all having a "grading party" in her room without me. But, as I said earlier, I can't force people to like me. All I can do is continue taking proactive steps to work on myself. Regulating my emotions and tolerating distress are my two main focuses right now. We'll get into living in the present and not comparing myself to others next...
Sure this won't be my first ABC test today. But, for now, it's back to grading for me.
A= Christmas lunch for all of the elementary school
B= I thought it was just for a handful of people. And there was a lot of meat on the menu, so I decided not to go.
XO,
t
Friday, December 19, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Act the way you want to feel...
By now, I'm sure you've all heard of "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. My amazing aunt encouraged me to sign up for these daily affirmations about "happiness in the home." Not gonna lie, at first I was a little put off by them. Why? Because "happiness in the home" implies family. My first few daily affirmations were about encouraging your significant other. And I don't have one of those... at this moment. But I stuck with it and on day three I got this, and it has been so helpful:
One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel. Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself. I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.
Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot). As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness. It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response. Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces. Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt — when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.
It really works. When I can make myself do it.
What's uncanny is that this theory is just like one of the emotional regulation principles I learned in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), which is "Opposite to Emotion Action." When I feel sad, I'm supposed to do or watch something happy or funny. When I feel mad, I'm supposed to do something loving or sweet, etc. Too cool.
To start, try smiling when you're pissed. (Which is much like another DBT principle for "distress tolerance" called "half-smiling.") Basically, just pretend. Smile even if you're not feeling it and your mood will improve. Ask people how their day is going even if you're having a crappy day. The positive vibes (for lack of a better term) you are putting out into the Universe will come back to you and, hopefully, you'll feel better.
Students are on their way up. Will write more later.
XO,
t
One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel. Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself. I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.
Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot). As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness. It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response. Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces. Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt — when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.
It really works. When I can make myself do it.
What's uncanny is that this theory is just like one of the emotional regulation principles I learned in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), which is "Opposite to Emotion Action." When I feel sad, I'm supposed to do or watch something happy or funny. When I feel mad, I'm supposed to do something loving or sweet, etc. Too cool.
To start, try smiling when you're pissed. (Which is much like another DBT principle for "distress tolerance" called "half-smiling.") Basically, just pretend. Smile even if you're not feeling it and your mood will improve. Ask people how their day is going even if you're having a crappy day. The positive vibes (for lack of a better term) you are putting out into the Universe will come back to you and, hopefully, you'll feel better.
Students are on their way up. Will write more later.
XO,
t
Monday, December 8, 2014
No Thanksgiving for You!
Okay, yes, maybe I've been in a funk. Maybe that's why you haven't heard from me in a hot minute. I think it all started with the Thanksgiving trip fiasco. Let's just get this story out of the way (hence justifying the aforementioned funk) and then -maybe-- I'll move on to a better place.
1) I became close with a guy my best friend growing up had dated. They split up, we remained friends on FB, and -when I got to Costa Rica- and was miserable, he became (and was very willing to be) my online/ messaging shoulder to cry on. He'd tell me how beautiful I was, all the things he'd do for me if we were together, how I deserve so much better and how he'd treat me like a queen, etc. So we finally planned a trip for me to finally meet him in Mexico over my Thanksgiving Break. I was SO excited. After all the friend drama and after all the d-bag guys I had met, I was so ready to meet this apparent knight in shining armor ready to sweep me off my feet.
2) But then, the weekend before Thanksgiving happened. Mind you, I had bought my ticket months and months before and we were talking pretty much daily about how excited we were to finally spend time together. We texted a few messages back and forth that Saturday and then -abracadabra-- his magical disappearing act. If I am going to a foreign country to visit you (especially one that is not the safest for Americans right now), and I have bought my own plane ticket, then I better be 100% sure that you will be at the airport the moment I land to pick up. I am not flying there only to discover I am stranded-- alone, single, tall, blonde, and American. Sorry.
3) Our last communication was the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and I was supposed to fly out Thanksgiving Day to meet him. He seemed a bit more distant, as the messages were not so frequent. But then he was gone. I was tried facebook, whatsapp, email, Google Hangouts, you name it. Yet nothing in return. Not a peep. NADA. It got to the point where I said "I need to know if you still want to me to get on that flight because we are now less than 48 hours away and I am not flying to Mexico by myself only to be greeted by no one."
When I finally got in touch with him, it was because I called him less that 48 hours before my departure. He did sound sick (in his defense), and told me that in Mexico it takes 2-3 weeks to see a doctor and he thought it might be cholera. He went on to tell me he has been unavailable by phone because it's out of credit and by email because he lent his computer to a work colleague so they could get some work done while he was at homr sick. (In restrosepcy,I responded in Spanish and, although we usually speak in a mix of the two languages, he barked at me (for the first time ever) "to just speak in English" because he couldn't understand me when I spoke Spanish (although my Spanish level is advanced and this is contradictory to everything he had told me before). He told me he thought it best that I cancel my trip. I believed him at the time, told him not to worry about me, and to feel better. He then told me he would reimburse me for my ticket. Yeah, right.
So I spiraled into depression knowing I would be spending Thanksgiving alone. In Costa Rica. Without family. Or even the friend I thought he was. Luckily, I was able to put out an SOS on FB and found a "Friendsgiving" potluck. I went with a friend and we had so much fun. Still, as much as I enjoyed myself, it was still hard for me to think about all the cute, neat little groups that had formed amongst my colleagues and how they were all on their cute, neat vacations right about now.
Yup, now too spent to get into the positives that I was able to pull from this experience. But now, at least, the story is out and off my chest. By the way, I researched cholera in Mexico City and there were like 3 cases in the city of millions last year. I'm not calling anyone out, but just some Thanksgiving food for thought...
XO,
t
1) I became close with a guy my best friend growing up had dated. They split up, we remained friends on FB, and -when I got to Costa Rica- and was miserable, he became (and was very willing to be) my online/ messaging shoulder to cry on. He'd tell me how beautiful I was, all the things he'd do for me if we were together, how I deserve so much better and how he'd treat me like a queen, etc. So we finally planned a trip for me to finally meet him in Mexico over my Thanksgiving Break. I was SO excited. After all the friend drama and after all the d-bag guys I had met, I was so ready to meet this apparent knight in shining armor ready to sweep me off my feet.
2) But then, the weekend before Thanksgiving happened. Mind you, I had bought my ticket months and months before and we were talking pretty much daily about how excited we were to finally spend time together. We texted a few messages back and forth that Saturday and then -abracadabra-- his magical disappearing act. If I am going to a foreign country to visit you (especially one that is not the safest for Americans right now), and I have bought my own plane ticket, then I better be 100% sure that you will be at the airport the moment I land to pick up. I am not flying there only to discover I am stranded-- alone, single, tall, blonde, and American. Sorry.
3) Our last communication was the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and I was supposed to fly out Thanksgiving Day to meet him. He seemed a bit more distant, as the messages were not so frequent. But then he was gone. I was tried facebook, whatsapp, email, Google Hangouts, you name it. Yet nothing in return. Not a peep. NADA. It got to the point where I said "I need to know if you still want to me to get on that flight because we are now less than 48 hours away and I am not flying to Mexico by myself only to be greeted by no one."
When I finally got in touch with him, it was because I called him less that 48 hours before my departure. He did sound sick (in his defense), and told me that in Mexico it takes 2-3 weeks to see a doctor and he thought it might be cholera. He went on to tell me he has been unavailable by phone because it's out of credit and by email because he lent his computer to a work colleague so they could get some work done while he was at homr sick. (In restrosepcy,I responded in Spanish and, although we usually speak in a mix of the two languages, he barked at me (for the first time ever) "to just speak in English" because he couldn't understand me when I spoke Spanish (although my Spanish level is advanced and this is contradictory to everything he had told me before). He told me he thought it best that I cancel my trip. I believed him at the time, told him not to worry about me, and to feel better. He then told me he would reimburse me for my ticket. Yeah, right.
So I spiraled into depression knowing I would be spending Thanksgiving alone. In Costa Rica. Without family. Or even the friend I thought he was. Luckily, I was able to put out an SOS on FB and found a "Friendsgiving" potluck. I went with a friend and we had so much fun. Still, as much as I enjoyed myself, it was still hard for me to think about all the cute, neat little groups that had formed amongst my colleagues and how they were all on their cute, neat vacations right about now.
Yup, now too spent to get into the positives that I was able to pull from this experience. But now, at least, the story is out and off my chest. By the way, I researched cholera in Mexico City and there were like 3 cases in the city of millions last year. I'm not calling anyone out, but just some Thanksgiving food for thought...
XO,
t
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