1. It takes a strong person to move abroad.
2. I am not strong.
3. Therefore, I should not be living abroad.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Two Realizations
1. I have to be happy by myself/ with myself before I can be happy with someone else.
2. I have to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.
As much as I'm happy for my gorgeous married friends and their beautiful babies, I know I'm more than a bit jealous too. Wasn't I supposed to have all of that by now? I'm smart. (Everyday.) I'm pretty. (Most days.) So what gives? In my heart of hearts though, I know that, if I were dropped in their shoes tomorrow, I'd have no idea what to do. You mean I'm no longer the center of my own Universe? That I HAVE to take care of someone else? That some small little amazing someone depends on me to meet their every basic need? Guess I can't just move to a foreign country on a whim. Guess there are other people in this equation.
The Universe has a plan for me, as silly and convoluted as it may seem to me now. Like nothing is working out the way it's "supposed" to and that I'm behind on whatever I'm "scheduled" to be accomplishing at this age. But maybe this delay is happening for a reason. Perhaps so, when I finally do find love, I will appreciate it that much more because I have been waiting for it that much longer.
One day, I'll finally be able to say: "The wait is over now."
xo,
tes
2. I have to be able to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.
As much as I'm happy for my gorgeous married friends and their beautiful babies, I know I'm more than a bit jealous too. Wasn't I supposed to have all of that by now? I'm smart. (Everyday.) I'm pretty. (Most days.) So what gives? In my heart of hearts though, I know that, if I were dropped in their shoes tomorrow, I'd have no idea what to do. You mean I'm no longer the center of my own Universe? That I HAVE to take care of someone else? That some small little amazing someone depends on me to meet their every basic need? Guess I can't just move to a foreign country on a whim. Guess there are other people in this equation.
The Universe has a plan for me, as silly and convoluted as it may seem to me now. Like nothing is working out the way it's "supposed" to and that I'm behind on whatever I'm "scheduled" to be accomplishing at this age. But maybe this delay is happening for a reason. Perhaps so, when I finally do find love, I will appreciate it that much more because I have been waiting for it that much longer.
One day, I'll finally be able to say: "The wait is over now."
xo,
tes
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Shock to the System
I've finally figured out a way to wrap my head around my time here: This is my shock to the system. This is my test. This is seeing how little I can survive on. Take away everything I know, everything familiar and comforting and let's see how I do:
* Love your car? Gone. Get used to walking and taking cabs.
* Know your way around? No longer.
* Have a cute apartment filled with stuff you love? Forget it. It's all sold, donated, or in storage now.
* In a relationship with a guy who wants to marry you? Done.
* Friends and family nearby? Forget about it.
I've never considered myself a strong person because I'm so sensitive. People think I'm strong for coming here, but I don't see it. Maybe what this, my being here, is all about is finally realizing that this pipe dream I've held on to for so long of "moving abroad, teaching abroad, becoming fully bilingual, and having a bilingual family" (my party line for so long) isn't what I want (or am even capable of) after all. Maybe it's out of my reach because I am weak and find myself craving the comfort of the familiar. Or maybe it's too soon to tell.
So, for now, I will take comfort in:
* Working for a school I love (for almost the first time ever)
* Living daily life in my second language (for the first time ever since a semester in 2000)
* Walking down the street and ignoring honks and cat calls
* Spending evenings alone and knowing it's not the end of the world
* Making my own friends when the ones I was "handed" didn't work out
Small victories. But victories nonetheless.
Nothing is forever. Especially my time here. And Austin will be there when I get back, just as hipster as before and even more so. I can find a cute place again. I can find bearded guys to date again. I can recreate the life I once had and make it even better. And when I do, I'll be able to do so with a more solid understanding of just who I am and what I'm capable of.
xo,
t
* Love your car? Gone. Get used to walking and taking cabs.
* Know your way around? No longer.
* Have a cute apartment filled with stuff you love? Forget it. It's all sold, donated, or in storage now.
* In a relationship with a guy who wants to marry you? Done.
* Friends and family nearby? Forget about it.
I've never considered myself a strong person because I'm so sensitive. People think I'm strong for coming here, but I don't see it. Maybe what this, my being here, is all about is finally realizing that this pipe dream I've held on to for so long of "moving abroad, teaching abroad, becoming fully bilingual, and having a bilingual family" (my party line for so long) isn't what I want (or am even capable of) after all. Maybe it's out of my reach because I am weak and find myself craving the comfort of the familiar. Or maybe it's too soon to tell.
So, for now, I will take comfort in:
* Working for a school I love (for almost the first time ever)
* Living daily life in my second language (for the first time ever since a semester in 2000)
* Walking down the street and ignoring honks and cat calls
* Spending evenings alone and knowing it's not the end of the world
* Making my own friends when the ones I was "handed" didn't work out
Small victories. But victories nonetheless.
Nothing is forever. Especially my time here. And Austin will be there when I get back, just as hipster as before and even more so. I can find a cute place again. I can find bearded guys to date again. I can recreate the life I once had and make it even better. And when I do, I'll be able to do so with a more solid understanding of just who I am and what I'm capable of.
xo,
t
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